Nothing works as planned - Week 3

I think my week 1,2,3 count is a little off by a couple of days but since i'm treating this as a diary rather than a to-do list who cares.

*long sigh*

I've planned and planned this in my head but I'm not getting anywhere close to it. The venue isn't closed out on yet. I love LaRiSa but obviously nothings going to give easily. Wedding Duo is finally locked in so they're helping with closing out details. Next steps is the Save the date and then all the decor & food conversations. that bit i'm excited about. I'm looking at these lovely pictures on Wed Me Good and feeling overwhelmed and a little scared. I might not look nice, it might rain, i might have to skimp on decor elements, food will be too expensive. more people will show up than I have space for. I just hope it doesn't rain.

My wedding lehenga is done! Its a Riddhi Mehra copy that came 10K below budget. I didn't love it at first sight like the Sabyasachi copy I saw before but there were things in the Sabyasachi copy that i didn't like that I loved here.,Plus i'm trying to keep away from what everyone else is wearing so this fits right in. I've asked them to chang my lehenga ka colour to a deep pink (again not what I wanted but I saw the colour and loved it) with an aqua duppatta (what i wanted). I suppose what you go with changes as you see what you can get.

My cocktail & christian wedding cum reception outfits are still nowhere to be found. I think i know what I want but i'll take my time looking for it. A lot of my len-den stuff is done so thats a plus.

My folks left and with them the incessant wedding conversations. Jonathan & I are trying to talk of everyday stuff but my head is so full of weddign details that its just noit happening. No bridezilla yet.

I went and saw a nutritionist to try and get thinner. If not now then when? She's given me a ghia diet. Yuck but i have to try.

Got to run, Its 6PM and office is DONE!

On edge - Week 2

We're at the end of Week 2 and turns out you can have a vision but it needn't necessary translate to reality that easily. Especially on a budget. Also Pinterest should have prices for everything. 

I found a wedding planner I love. Turns out they are slightly out of budget. Jonathan is negotiating that and will hopefully close on it by tomorrow. Fingers crossed. 

My dream venue was a total fail. They have a whole lot of ifs and buts that I don't care to worry about. The second option has the same problem. I don't particularly like option 3 but it's in budget. Option 4 I love but I'm waiting for a quote to decide if it meets the rash can before I resign myself to option 3. Atleast I tried. 

Then once both of these are in place the madness will begin. 

My Mehendi outfit is ordered and is beautiful. I'll get it in January. It's Turquoise and Rani pink and I'm excited about it because it's so kitsch and not run of the mill. Now I need to find 4 more outfits I love. 

Here's hoping this week is more fruitful. 

I'm getting married! - Week 1

So my folks are here for 3 weeks - medicals, Diwali, daughter looking up. 

While their here we're planning my (finally happening) Summer 2016 wedding in the hills! I'm so beyond excited I can't seem to do anything else. 

I'm thinking of putting it all down here, blow by blow, coz it's easier to find time to type than keep a journal. Infact, I'm between meetings and look at how much I'm getting done.

Budget - You need to lock on this because it's a rabbit hole. Your wedding can be as expensive and as cheap as you want it to be. Apparently, 20L is a good budget to have for a domestic destination wedding. I would've preferred something lesser but unless I want to do it at home it's just not going to happen. I'm hoping I don't overshoot that.

Dates - The second most important thing is figuring out a date. Mom has to go back to our family guru to close on this but we agreed on end June, maybe 1st week July. We're trying to aim for that sweet spot which is end of summer and before the onset of the Indian monsoons. Tricky this bit. I can't control the weather. Even with a good planner. And I've learned this the hard way on a 'spring' barbeque which turned out beautifully but was nowhere spring. It was just one of those days that got cold and miserable and rainy and my spring heralding session became a winter bbq. I don't want to take that chance this time so we'll need to get this right. Ideally I would've liked October. Wouldve given me more time but Adiety called her dates first and u didn't want to tread on toes and have any negativity. 

Guest list - Then comes the guest list. Now this is even trickier because as much as you think you have control over this, you'll surprise even yourself. Parents have relatives and friends they've been meaning to call. There are people who've attended your family functions that need you to invite them. There's long lost friends that will feel bad. And while I'm trying to be ruthless it's a painful process. We've finally settled at a small number of 150. I was looking at 100 but realistically 150 it is. I feel bad not wanting to invite everybody coz anyone who knows me knows I do want to, I just can't. Note to self and everyone out there: Please be rich. 

Destination - So I know when I want to do it and how much I can spend but where do i want it? I got into it hoping for Landour and Rokeby Manor but turns out they don't have enough space. Everything else in Mussoorie was either too commercial or too expensive. So I googled some more and found this beautiful property in Manali called The Himalayan. Turns out they may not have enough space either. Now I'm looking again. This bit needs it own article so will write more later.

Wedding Planner - Last item on the agenda: a wedding planner. Now as far as I'm concerned this is all important. I don't have the time or the mind space to plan this on my own especially as it's not in my own backyard. I don't want my parents to be stressed either. Enter wedding planner. My one stop solution and boxing bag (hopefully not). The planner will then fix everything else - hotel rates, logistics, caterers, decorators, wedding favours. 

Now if I think of it I got a lot done. Planning wise. I've even shortlisted 2 properties I love. But the whole going is working out to be expensive. So now it's back to planning. I'm scared I will have to change my dream wedding in the hills to a farmhouse in Delhi and everything fall flat. I'm also scared that even if I do manage my dream wedding my parents will be sucked dry. 

That reminds me I need to apply for a loan. 

A Sunday Afternoon

It's Sunday afternoon. The best kind of Sunday afternoon. The sun saunders through lispy, translucent bright orange and teal curtains. It's bright but muted, room aglow. The AC has a low hum that drowns out the outside world, save the wind chimes that clatter cheerfully. I hear tweets and chirps and the occasional airplane as it crosses overhead but nothing more. 

I. Alone and happy for it. I am silent and I am calm. My kindle lies by me turned to the first chapter of a new book but I havnt got too far. My mind wanders, making stories of its own. Some possibly with in the realm of my life- simple things like a promotion or recognition at work. Some daydreams - a chance meeting with someone famous that changes the course of my life. Most daydreams impossible. Like Prince William or Harry or time travel or 'if I were rich'. 

The TV stays off today. Today is a day of zero concentration or focus. I have nothing I want to do. Nothing I need to do. Nowhere I have to be. Noone I need to be. 

I'm a fucking masterpiece

“Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. 

I have already heard the word rubbed raw across the flesh of so many girls before me. Thrown at them like rocks that beat the skin of those we do not understand. “You are beautiful,” we yell with such contempt. “God dammit, why won’t you just believe me, you’re beautiful!” It is not a compliment. It is a victory march of your own self sacrifice. “You’re beautiful,” we say through gritted teeth. “You’re beautiful,” we spit out through tears, looking at a reflection we hate. “You’re beautiful,” we say, holding a body that has never felt the arms of another. 

“You’re beautiful.” 

Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. 

A word like that floats on the surface, give me something with depth. Tell me I’m intelligent. Tell me I’m courageous. Tell me that when I laugh the whole world smiles. Tell me that my voice is sweeter than strawberries. Remind me that my hands have helped flowers grow, painted the ocean, and captured the sky in my phone. Assure me that with a mind like mine, I can change the world. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t really care if it’s true. I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that beauty goes through and through. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I’ve felt the word splatter against me enough for a lifetime. I am better than the “beautiful” that slips from your lips. 

I am the ocean, 36,000 feet deep. There are parts of me you have never seen. I am outer space, infinite in your search. I am not simply “beautiful.” 

I’m a fucking masterpiece.

—unknown  

Awkward sadness

I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2 a.m., gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.

- Anna Peters

Leaving my second job (to go back to my first job)

I really don't want to go. I will. I don't want to.

What's it been like in Webchutney, you ask? 

So much fun. It's been too many long nights but as many drinking sessions. It's been lifetime friends, hopefully a husband and accelerated learning like I thought was not possible. I learnt and grew and sang and cried and I learnt so much of myself. 

21 clients, award winning work, 3 offices and an exit interview later, yesterday I said goodbye. 

Teary eyed but no tears. I feel like I'll see you again. 

P.S I think I hate the new (old) place.